Point Of No Return

Further elaborating on a point I made yesterday, at some point, I missed my chance to be with someone. Maybe it was in high school or some point after, but whenever it was that possibility has passed. Every adult I've ever met has had a relationship, so I'm at a disadvantage with all of them. They've all experienced love (or something closer to it than I've ever had) I can't relate at all because I've never had my feelings reciprocated by anyone else. Everyone has experienced and developed in a relationship but I'd be at the very beginning, a complete newbie who would need to be walked through everything.

Connecting on an emotional level with others has always been very difficult for me because I don't like to talk much. The posts are a verbose as I ever am, anything I have to say worth saying I can do so within a few sentences. Small talk has never interested me much and I don't really have a lot of interesting things happen to me to talk about. In addition, pushing my thoughts of loneliness and loveless existence are a lot to put even on someone I know well, let alone just met (I'd be overwhelmed by it too). So, I'm stuck unable to communicate to with anyone my feelings and with intensity and psychological toll exerted by them growing as a result. It's a grinding cycle from which I have no escape.

I'm surrounded by walls from which I cannot escape. I want to scream in uncontrolled fury, yet that will cause further isolation; my inability to break free only ensures my further suffering. Who could I tell my feelings? How would they answer? Whenever I've attempted to open up I get either dating tips (either generic and unhelpful or at total variance with my personality and truth), bland "inspirational" poster tips ("HANG IN THERE" with a cat hanging on clothesline or something else) or some personal tale (real or contrived) about how that person also had some period of loneliness. Invariably, they "came back" into to the fold of human connection and "are back" as an example of how anyone else can "get back". I was never "in" to begin with, there's no point at which I wasn't alone. I've been physically around people nearly my entire life, but only able to emotionally connect with people with very limited success even within my own family.

It's as if everyone else can go to each other at will, but all I meet with are locked doors and I have no keys. If only there was a "back" to which I could return, however all other points in my life I've either had no or very limited emotional connection. There were no "Good Old Days", no "Time of My Life" and certainly no "Lost Love" to be reclaimed. This need for love gives me nothing but agony, if only I could be free.

Blog Reborn... And Now For Something Completely Different.

From now on, I will be writing about myself and my life. More self indulgent, but as I have no one I can relate to I will at least use this to store and catalog my thoughts. So I will begin with an admission: I have never had a significant other. I've many times felt attraction, but not once have I been reciprocated.

I've come to view rectifying this as totally impossible. I today spent time with someone I foolishly thought was interested in a relationship, and learned that I was completely wrong. My rage was indescribable. I had allowed myself, for no good reason, to believe that a romantic relationship was possible despite all evidence in my life to the contrary.

I'm still left with desire, but no possible way to quench it. There are prostitutes, but the desire isn't just physical so that won't really solve the problem. Even more, I've gone so long completely alone that I would likely end up pinning all hopes onto that person. So, even if the impossible dream were to somehow happen, my own desperation would ensure that I would engage behavior destructive to the relationship.

At the end of high school, when I still hadn't been in a relationship or had a date, I realized that even if I found someone there (no reason to believe I would have either) I was so far behind in the ways of love I wouldn't be able to make it work. Most of the kids had had sex, I'd never kissed anyone. The problem has only compounded over time. I've grown more comfortable with my body and who I am but realize I can't be loved. I don't understand why, it's as if everyone can see how I obviously am not worth love but I'm blinded by self bias to it.

If only I could be free, without the desire to be with someone. It makes me a pathetic, emotional wreck and I cannot bear it. A wistful dream, but I have little else hope for and no one to give me hope for better.