Sunday, October 13, 2013

The Journey Continues...

The story plan has gone nowhere, little of note occurs in my daily life so developing stories has been difficult. I've engaged in more conversation than previously and while it's mostly gone well I can't tell for sure if I've made any kind of breakthrough or if I just get standard politeness. I've talked to two women I think may have had interest, though that may be unfounded optimism.

I also have another problem: what to do with whoever I do manage to get a date with. I could find a place to go with them, but what to talk about, the thoughts I 've put on this blog are probably too much for someone I don't know very well. I need some type of "passion" to talk about, I have an idea but I need to make it more cohesive. I plan to write it out in detail tomorrow.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

The Long Journey

I've felt much better these passed few days and spent time with others recently, fairly superficial though, so I'm still wear I began in that sense. I've put it off and put it off, but I need to start learning how to attract women. There are innumerable sites and men who proclaim "the answer" to how to pick up women, but these methods have more to do with their flawed understanding of how it works and making money from needy men.

This has been my biggest hurdle: I don't even know where to begin. The only consistent advice I've found is to act confident, but the more successful men's behavior that I've seen has been more arrogant and domineering, and usually childish and attention seeking. Again, I can't see what women find appealing in men. Perhaps I'll try to be "interesting" and seek attention myself. I've thought about it before, but I'm going to try telling stories; I've told stories before but I need to find new ones as my life isn't exciting so I'll have to find stories. I'm against lying so I still need to work out how I'm going to do this.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Point Of No Return

Further elaborating on a point I made yesterday, at some point, I missed my chance to be with someone. Maybe it was in high school or some point after, but whenever it was that possibility has passed. Every adult I've ever met has had a relationship, so I'm at a disadvantage with all of them. They've all experienced love (or something closer to it than I've ever had) I can't relate at all because I've never had my feelings reciprocated by anyone else. Everyone has experienced and developed in a relationship but I'd be at the very beginning, a complete newbie who would need to be walked through everything.

Connecting on an emotional level with others has always been very difficult for me because I don't like to talk much. The posts are a verbose as I ever am, anything I have to say worth saying I can do so within a few sentences. Small talk has never interested me much and I don't really have a lot of interesting things happen to me to talk about. In addition, pushing my thoughts of loneliness and loveless existence are a lot to put even on someone I know well, let alone just met (I'd be overwhelmed by it too). So, I'm stuck unable to communicate to with anyone my feelings and with intensity and psychological toll exerted by them growing as a result. It's a grinding cycle from which I have no escape.

I'm surrounded by walls from which I cannot escape. I want to scream in uncontrolled fury, yet that will cause further isolation; my inability to break free only ensures my further suffering. Who could I tell my feelings? How would they answer? Whenever I've attempted to open up I get either dating tips (either generic and unhelpful or at total variance with my personality and truth), bland "inspirational" poster tips ("HANG IN THERE" with a cat hanging on clothesline or something else) or some personal tale (real or contrived) about how that person also had some period of loneliness. Invariably, they "came back" into to the fold of human connection and "are back" as an example of how anyone else can "get back". I was never "in" to begin with, there's no point at which I wasn't alone. I've been physically around people nearly my entire life, but only able to emotionally connect with people with very limited success even within my own family.

It's as if everyone else can go to each other at will, but all I meet with are locked doors and I have no keys. If only there was a "back" to which I could return, however all other points in my life I've either had no or very limited emotional connection. There were no "Good Old Days", no "Time of My Life" and certainly no "Lost Love" to be reclaimed. This need for love gives me nothing but agony, if only I could be free.

A Disturbing Thought To Wake Up To

"I didn't know what made things tick. I didn't know what made people want to be friends. I didn't know what made people attractive to one another. I didn't know what underlay social interactions." - Ted Bundy. I remembered part of this quote before I woke up this morning; I heard it as a kid watching a documentary about Ted Bundy. I understood what he meant and the fact that I did really disturbed me. But the quote that really hit home for me was when he said that in high school he "hit a wall" and that was exactly how I felt. I always had a lot of trouble with the other kids but dating just seemed impossible.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Blog Reborn... And Now For Something Completely Different.

From now on, I will be writing about myself and my life. More self indulgent, but as I have no one I can relate to I will at least use this to store and catalog my thoughts. So I will begin with an admission: I have never had a significant other. I've many times felt attraction, but not once have I been reciprocated.

I've come to view rectifying this as totally impossible. I today spent time with someone I foolishly thought was interested in a relationship, and learned that I was completely wrong. My rage was indescribable. I had allowed myself, for no good reason, to believe that a romantic relationship was possible despite all evidence in my life to the contrary.

I'm still left with desire, but no possible way to quench it. There are prostitutes, but the desire isn't just physical so that won't really solve the problem. Even more, I've gone so long completely alone that I would likely end up pinning all hopes onto that person. So, even if the impossible dream were to somehow happen, my own desperation would ensure that I would engage behavior destructive to the relationship.

At the end of high school, when I still hadn't been in a relationship or had a date, I realized that even if I found someone there (no reason to believe I would have either) I was so far behind in the ways of love I wouldn't be able to make it work. Most of the kids had had sex, I'd never kissed anyone. The problem has only compounded over time. I've grown more comfortable with my body and who I am but realize I can't be loved. I don't understand why, it's as if everyone can see how I obviously am not worth love but I'm blinded by self bias to it.

If only I could be free, without the desire to be with someone. It makes me a pathetic, emotional wreck and I cannot bear it. A wistful dream, but I have little else hope for and no one to give me hope for better.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Incredible Bread Machine

I stumbled upon this film as I was searching for something to write about and I decided that I would do a review about it. The link above however, also includes an introduction and interviews at the end which talk about the film, which is itself is about 30 minutes. First, this film was made in the seventies, but it and the additional material at the beginning and end are in black and white, so it has the feel of a film from the fifties or sixties. Second, the film contains multiple segments which demonstrate the points that they are putting forward and in between them there are conversations that were filmed. These "conversations" are clearly scripted before filming as they hit exactly the points the film is about, but they are filmed as if they are part of some kind of "behind the scenes" feature. Third, much of the dialog, particularly the parts with "men of street" speaking, is rather cheesy (maybe in the seventies it was not, though I doubt it).

That said, it lays out the libertarian case against government intervention in a comprehensive way, as opposed to rather occasional paeans that one hears or reads from Republican party or otherwise right-wing hacks. On that note, it critiques the very concept of government regulation, that Republicans favor if it is "reasonable", by showing that the ability of the government to set the rules of the market means that lobbyists will simply use legislation to remove their competition. The movie does not get to the bread machine until the end and that parable is about the irrationality that is involved in monopoly regulation. The inventor of the bread machine is caught in a hopeless situation by the trust busters as high prices will be considered gouging, low prices will be deemed predatory and similar prices to that of competitors will be taken as proof of collusion. Murray Rothbard even appears near the beginning to talk about housing policy and states how more buildings have been destroyed than replaced and that the replacements are upper income, so the poorer former residents are out of luck.

Secretary of the Treasury, William E. Simon appears at the beginning segment to heartily praise the film and espouse his wholehearted belief in free markets. Simon however, also served as the "Energy Czar" for President Ford; apparently he did not seem to believe the free market could handle the important task of what and how much energy people used. At the end of the film there are two interviews, the first one was with Walter Heller who served as the defender of government intervention. He defended intervention by stating that though there are bad policies, overall government regulation works fine. The interview speaks for itself, but noteworthy is that his first example he uses as excesses of the market is the use of kickbacks and bribes. The power of government to intervene in the first places means there is even a reason for bribes and kickbacks. One point I wish that had brought up in the interview is how government intervention leads to unforeseen consequences that demand more intervention.

Finally, the last part of the video is the interview with Milton Friedman who is touted as the great defender of the free market. Friedman had a number of beliefs and helped enact a number of policies that were supportive of government connected businesses that I should get into in other postings. For this interview however, he was on target in attacking government intervention. I had not seen much of Friedman on film before so I was surprised at how entertaining he actually was. So, while showing this to a group of school children will likely get rolled eyes and sarcastic comments because of the cheesiness, if one is able to get passed that it could be a decent film getting the untutored interested in libertarianism.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Holiest of Holy Wars

I know it's been forever and a day since I've posted anything, but I've just been busy or had writer's block most of the time. For a while I've been searching for something that will peak my interest enough to write about and the Buchanan as Hitler Apologist posts throughout the blogosphere recently has. This isn't about Buchanan though, it's more about how passionately bloggers love World War II. Of course, it's always described as absolutely necessary because of Hitler's and Japan's evil. Usually any heretic from this belief system is denounced immediately as lover of Hitler, Holocaust denier, apologist for Japanese imperialism, fascist, or something similar. If one can somehow avoid such classifications, they graduate to become: an "ISOLATIONIST". These isolationist are either totally callous and without any empathy for the suffering of those under Axis domination or irredeemably, hopelessly naive about the true threat that they posed.

Totally unmentioned or dismissed as water under bridge are the interventions that led to the U.S. being in the position where the Japanese could attack American possessions and the destruction of the Second Reich so that Hitler had a chance to gain power in the first place. Those interventions were for ostensibly for good and true motives as well, such as "saving the world for democracy". Obviously there were those who had selfish motivations behind the previous interventions, but there were such people before World War II as well. The interventionists don't grasp the gravity of how the unintended consequences of armed intervention lead to Hitler and Imperial Japan to begin with. Also the focus on Munich 1938 (as in the "Lesson of Munich") or the Japanese invasion of China or some other moment of World War II focuses the debate such to make it seem that intervention is the most palatable option. This is a particularly nefarious tactic given how many "New Hitlers" have been designated as to enemies of the U.S., using the supposed inherent righteousness of World War II as justification.