From now on, I will be writing about myself and my life. More self indulgent, but as I have no one I can relate to I will at least use this to store and catalog my thoughts. So I will begin with an admission: I have never had a significant other. I've many times felt attraction, but not once have I been reciprocated.
I've come to view rectifying this as totally impossible. I today spent time with someone I foolishly thought was interested in a relationship, and learned that I was completely wrong. My rage was indescribable. I had allowed myself, for no good reason, to believe that a romantic relationship was possible despite all evidence in my life to the contrary.
I'm still left with desire, but no possible way to quench it. There are prostitutes, but the desire isn't just physical so that won't really solve the problem. Even more, I've gone so long completely alone that I would likely end up pinning all hopes onto that person. So, even if the impossible dream were to somehow happen, my own desperation would ensure that I would engage behavior destructive to the relationship.
At the end of high school, when I still hadn't been in a relationship or had a date, I realized that even if I found someone there (no reason to believe I would have either) I was so far behind in the ways of love I wouldn't be able to make it work. Most of the kids had had sex, I'd never kissed anyone. The problem has only compounded over time. I've grown more comfortable with my body and who I am but realize I can't be loved. I don't understand why, it's as if everyone can see how I obviously am not worth love but I'm blinded by self bias to it.
If only I could be free, without the desire to be with someone. It makes me a pathetic, emotional wreck and I cannot bear it. A wistful dream, but I have little else hope for and no one to give me hope for better.