Sunday, October 13, 2013

The Journey Continues...

The story plan has gone nowhere, little of note occurs in my daily life so developing stories has been difficult. I've engaged in more conversation than previously and while it's mostly gone well I can't tell for sure if I've made any kind of breakthrough or if I just get standard politeness. I've talked to two women I think may have had interest, though that may be unfounded optimism.

I also have another problem: what to do with whoever I do manage to get a date with. I could find a place to go with them, but what to talk about, the thoughts I 've put on this blog are probably too much for someone I don't know very well. I need some type of "passion" to talk about, I have an idea but I need to make it more cohesive. I plan to write it out in detail tomorrow.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

The Long Journey

I've felt much better these passed few days and spent time with others recently, fairly superficial though, so I'm still wear I began in that sense. I've put it off and put it off, but I need to start learning how to attract women. There are innumerable sites and men who proclaim "the answer" to how to pick up women, but these methods have more to do with their flawed understanding of how it works and making money from needy men.

This has been my biggest hurdle: I don't even know where to begin. The only consistent advice I've found is to act confident, but the more successful men's behavior that I've seen has been more arrogant and domineering, and usually childish and attention seeking. Again, I can't see what women find appealing in men. Perhaps I'll try to be "interesting" and seek attention myself. I've thought about it before, but I'm going to try telling stories; I've told stories before but I need to find new ones as my life isn't exciting so I'll have to find stories. I'm against lying so I still need to work out how I'm going to do this.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Point Of No Return

Further elaborating on a point I made yesterday, at some point, I missed my chance to be with someone. Maybe it was in high school or some point after, but whenever it was that possibility has passed. Every adult I've ever met has had a relationship, so I'm at a disadvantage with all of them. They've all experienced love (or something closer to it than I've ever had) I can't relate at all because I've never had my feelings reciprocated by anyone else. Everyone has experienced and developed in a relationship but I'd be at the very beginning, a complete newbie who would need to be walked through everything.

Connecting on an emotional level with others has always been very difficult for me because I don't like to talk much. The posts are a verbose as I ever am, anything I have to say worth saying I can do so within a few sentences. Small talk has never interested me much and I don't really have a lot of interesting things happen to me to talk about. In addition, pushing my thoughts of loneliness and loveless existence are a lot to put even on someone I know well, let alone just met (I'd be overwhelmed by it too). So, I'm stuck unable to communicate to with anyone my feelings and with intensity and psychological toll exerted by them growing as a result. It's a grinding cycle from which I have no escape.

I'm surrounded by walls from which I cannot escape. I want to scream in uncontrolled fury, yet that will cause further isolation; my inability to break free only ensures my further suffering. Who could I tell my feelings? How would they answer? Whenever I've attempted to open up I get either dating tips (either generic and unhelpful or at total variance with my personality and truth), bland "inspirational" poster tips ("HANG IN THERE" with a cat hanging on clothesline or something else) or some personal tale (real or contrived) about how that person also had some period of loneliness. Invariably, they "came back" into to the fold of human connection and "are back" as an example of how anyone else can "get back". I was never "in" to begin with, there's no point at which I wasn't alone. I've been physically around people nearly my entire life, but only able to emotionally connect with people with very limited success even within my own family.

It's as if everyone else can go to each other at will, but all I meet with are locked doors and I have no keys. If only there was a "back" to which I could return, however all other points in my life I've either had no or very limited emotional connection. There were no "Good Old Days", no "Time of My Life" and certainly no "Lost Love" to be reclaimed. This need for love gives me nothing but agony, if only I could be free.

A Disturbing Thought To Wake Up To

"I didn't know what made things tick. I didn't know what made people want to be friends. I didn't know what made people attractive to one another. I didn't know what underlay social interactions." - Ted Bundy. I remembered part of this quote before I woke up this morning; I heard it as a kid watching a documentary about Ted Bundy. I understood what he meant and the fact that I did really disturbed me. But the quote that really hit home for me was when he said that in high school he "hit a wall" and that was exactly how I felt. I always had a lot of trouble with the other kids but dating just seemed impossible.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Blog Reborn... And Now For Something Completely Different.

From now on, I will be writing about myself and my life. More self indulgent, but as I have no one I can relate to I will at least use this to store and catalog my thoughts. So I will begin with an admission: I have never had a significant other. I've many times felt attraction, but not once have I been reciprocated.

I've come to view rectifying this as totally impossible. I today spent time with someone I foolishly thought was interested in a relationship, and learned that I was completely wrong. My rage was indescribable. I had allowed myself, for no good reason, to believe that a romantic relationship was possible despite all evidence in my life to the contrary.

I'm still left with desire, but no possible way to quench it. There are prostitutes, but the desire isn't just physical so that won't really solve the problem. Even more, I've gone so long completely alone that I would likely end up pinning all hopes onto that person. So, even if the impossible dream were to somehow happen, my own desperation would ensure that I would engage behavior destructive to the relationship.

At the end of high school, when I still hadn't been in a relationship or had a date, I realized that even if I found someone there (no reason to believe I would have either) I was so far behind in the ways of love I wouldn't be able to make it work. Most of the kids had had sex, I'd never kissed anyone. The problem has only compounded over time. I've grown more comfortable with my body and who I am but realize I can't be loved. I don't understand why, it's as if everyone can see how I obviously am not worth love but I'm blinded by self bias to it.

If only I could be free, without the desire to be with someone. It makes me a pathetic, emotional wreck and I cannot bear it. A wistful dream, but I have little else hope for and no one to give me hope for better.